Shining a Light on a Mother’s Anger and Rage

Almost every mother experiences anger. Almost every mother acts on feeling angry during challenging moments. Many mothers experience it deeply as yelling, screaming, adult tantrums and sometimes even physical harm such as smacking/spanking or other intense physical expressions that can be frightening to both the child AND the mother.

Yet, not many mothers talk about anger in motherhood or what they can do about it. There is a lot of shame around feeling anger and rage.

I want to shine a light on this very common experience within motherhood. If you are often caught in cycles of anger, rage and then guilt and shame, there are constructive steps you can take to grow and, in time, soften your anger response.

First, please know you are not alone and you are NOT a bad mother.

Anger is a common and healthy human emotion that, when listened to, can tell you when a boundary has been crossed or that you have needs that have gone unmet. Anger can bring our attention to a need for change or growth in our lives.

Rage is a state of uncontrollable anger and can feel frightening and intense for us and those around us. It might look like a screaming match with a partner, verbal abuse and screaming at a child, or it could be physical aggression that hurts another person.

WHY DO WE FEEL ANGER AND RAGE SO DEEPLY AS MOTHERS?

Many mothers are overburdened with responsibility – trying to do too much for everyone else and not meeting their own needs.

As modern mothers, we are raising our children in a society without a village of support, an intense mental load, often a lack of healthy family support, huge expectations on our role in mothering as well as many roles on our plate – mother, wife, homemaker, business starter, nutritionist, nurse, teacher, part time study, community carer, administration, helpful friend – and the list goes on.

Self care can quickly disappear in the early months of motherhood, and for many mothers it never returns. Healthy meals, exercise, sleep and connection with friends can feel like long lost dreams. It doesn’t take long before a new mother feels physically and mentally depleted.

WE NEED TO FEEL OUR FEELINGS

To be human is to feel. To be a fully expressed human is to express our emotions, and yet so many mothers do not feel safe with their anger or with their childrens’ anger.

You may feel guilt, shame or fear when you express anger and rage. Maybe it is because as a little girl, your anger likely wasn’t accepted, acknowledged, or it was shut down. Perhaps you had angry caregivers who yelled, screamed, smacked and shamed you. When you notice yourself repeating the same cycles, guilt, shame and fear can arise.

Similarly, when your children or partner express anger you might feel fear and even terror. Or like others, go into a “freeze state” and shut down emotionally.

All of these feelings and responses are actually quite common. These are signs that there are feelings that have been deeply suppressed over time, and are needing to be released.

WHEN YOU FEEL TRIGGERED OR ACTIVATED

So many parents have suppressed emotions from their childhood that start bursting out in parenthood. This often starts in the toddler years. That sweet baby suddenly becomes a moving mini being full of frustration, anger, discovery, joy, messiness and often, big feelings or ‘tantrums’. Their full emotional expression (which is healthy and developmentally appropriate) can trigger or activate anger within you that you didn’t even know existed.

How anger shows up

• Snapping constantly

• Gritted teeth

• Grabbing a child roughly

• Yelling

• Screaming

• Shaming your child

• Breaking and throwing items

• Hitting children/smacking / spanking

These triggers are very real and can feel scary both to the child AND the parent.

Your healthy anger can be a powerful catalyst for change and growth. You do however need to find more safety for our anger - both within your own body and within your home - so it is not being directed at your children. Frequent rage is a sign that it is time to make some changes now.

It is better to express emotions rather than suppress them. Suppressing feelings of anger increases nervous system dysregulation and can lead to chronic shut-down, freeze and even burnout.

“Well if only they would listen to me, I wouldn’t need to get this angry”

I know it can feel like “If only they would listen, I wouldn’t need to get so angry and scream”...and also, there is often a wound within parents around not being heard as children that needs to be looked at here. This is the deeper healing work of conscious parenting.

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU FEEL ANGER AND RAGE RISING?

Slow everything down and bring in some awareness. This takes practice. It’s like building a muscle. We are all wired differently and need a variation of calming or ‘regulating’ tools. Take time to learn what works for you, and what doesn’t.

Here are some recommendations to soften anger and rage:

• Notice your feelings, practice awareness, and slow down your breath. Focus on your exhale and recenter into your parenting values and intentions.

• Sometimes mantras can help like:

• “I am the adult here - I can practice another way”.

• “This is not an emergency”

• “This will pass”

• “Staying present right now is my most important work today”

• Leave the room. Create a moment of space for yourself to cool down. Say “I am feeling angry and I need to take some space.”

• Let it out – Scream or roar it out (in a safe space alone) - feel the rage and scream it all out. The car is great or into a pillow or the washing pile. Scream, yell, curse and express. Writing out your feelings can also be a great method of release for some.

• Find a person to listen to your feelings and hold space with empathy - listening partnerships are a powerful tool for parents and I highly recommend having 2-3 people you can voicenote or call on the hardest days who can listen without judgement or advice (and yes it can feel hard to find these people)

• Learn about nervous system regulation and how to build flexibility and capacity in your body to feel your anger.

• Find a therapist or counsellor who you resonate with, who you feel safe to be yourself with and who you can download your feelings to.

• Consider local or online Mothers Circles or programs to take you on a growth journey. A good Circle facilitator or Parent Coach is someone who helps you to feel supported, safe, seen and soothed.

RADICAL SELF CARE / NERVOUS SYSTEM CARE IS VITAL

Meeting your own needs as a mother is critical to your physical and emotional wellbeing. You can start meeting your needs with more rest, movement, extra water, reducing sugar, setting boundaries, reducing screen time, taking a social media break, mindful breathing before bed, asking for help, nutrient dense food, better sleep hygiene and slowing life down. I know some of this can feel near impossible at times, but there are always solutions. Just pick one and start there.

RAGE COULD BE UNPROCESSED GRIEF THAT NEEDS TO BE EXPRESSED

If you frequently experience rage, you may need to start processing past grief. Many mothers carry layers of grief. This could be grief for babies that you have lost, old friendships, your life pre motherhood, family relationships that have changed, parents who have died, a childhood you wish had been different, lack of support and community and more.

This grief needs to be expressed, witnessed and felt in order for it to soften and have a less detrimental impact within your everyday mothering.

MENTAL HEALTH CHECK IN

If your anger goes to rage regularly, it may be time to consider further support to heal deeper wounds under that rage. Seeing a psychologist, counselor or therapist is a great place to start to make sense of your feelings and parenting past. Find someone you feel safe to express your vulnerable moments with. Education, podcasts and workshops are good for understanding yourself more. Finding a supportive space to be heard might also be through parent coaching, mothers circles, listening time and emotional release work.

If you are aware that you have significant trauma and complex triggers like grief, anxiety, childhood, trauma or abuse, starting with a mental health specialist can be an impactful start to healing from anger and rage. I suggest finding someone who is trauma informed or trauma trained in modalities such as Somatic Experiencing.

STEPS TO HEALING YOUR ANGRY OUTBURST

So you have yelled, screamed and raged at your child. Now what!

One of the most beautiful gifts of conscious parenting is learning the power of Rupture and Repair. This is modeling a true apology to our children. Here are the steps to repairing with your child:

• Self-compassion – Remind yourself that you are a human and we all have tough moments.

• Awareness – Be aware that a rupture has happened.

• Reconnect – Connect with your child. Soften your words, voice and gaze. Open your heart to empathy.

• Repair – Make a repair “I was feeling angry and I lost my temper. I am sorry. That must have felt scary and upsetting for you.”

• Understand their needs – Depending on your child’s age, you might ask your child about their feelings “Are you willing to share with me how it felt?” Listen and offer empathy.

• Explore any unmet needs in your child or yourself ie. Does your child need more play? Do you need more self-care? Are you yearning for more cooperation? Do they need more time in nature? Less screens? More connection?

• Explore some solutions together.

Reconnect and repair as soon as possible - for a child 6 and under it’s preferable to do within an hour or so. Ages 6-8 within a day. Ages 9 and older within a few days.

But with that said, it’s never too late to heal the divide. You can heal and repair anytime with your children, even when they’re adults.

If all of this feels overwhelming, start slow. Just take the one next step and reach out for support.

It's difficult to do this parenting journey alone. We no longer have the village of support that parents need for care, connection and community. If you’re noticing that your anger and rage feels overwhelming and you are stuck in a cycle of anger/rage then guilt/shame, take that one next right step. And reach out for support if you are ready to grow in motherhood.

SOFTENING YOUR ANGER WORKSHOP REPLAY

Purchase here for $30 : Softening your Anger workshop

This 2 hour workshop will help you to feel seen and less alone in one of the more taboo subjects in motherhood - anger, yelling and rage.

OVERVIEW
What is anger and rage
Generational patterns
Nervous system responses
Moving through emotional triggers
Building safety with anger
Self compassion
Daily practices - nervous system care, release and self compassion
Learning to repair the ruptures

MOTHERGROW - Year long motherhood support journey with a small group of likeminded mothers. 12 module course, connection circles, coaching circles, masterclasses and listening partnerships. JOIN THE WAITLIST HERE.

LEARNING TO SURRENDER IN MOTHERHOOD

We have been conditioned to believe that we are in control of our lives and we often carry this belief into motherhood. We want the perfect birth, the right clothes, the baby that sleeps and well behaved children. And what if none of that happens? What if it feels like you are completely out of control, nothing is working out the way you expected in motherhood and you are wracked with guilt and shame.

The challenges of parenting are many:

• The child that won’t sleep unless you lie next to them

• The little kids that want to get up from the dinner table and play

• The never ending to–do list

• The ill mannered children with challenging behaviour.

We all wish parenting was easier. The children were better behaved, happy and grateful. That we had more support.

While many of the challenges of parenthood can be supported with coaching, connection, healthy boundaries and co–regulation, often one of the most powerful “tools” is learning to practice surrender.

Learning to surrender and practice radical acceptance of what is, can help to soften your high expectations and accept the version of motherhood you are experiencing.

When we conjure images of surrender, we imagine waving the white flag and admitting defeat. In our role as a mother, surrender means to let go of our preconceived ideals, to shift our perspective and yield to all that is. When stepping into surrender as a mother, we are not admitting defeat but rather letting go of our need to be in control.

We all want to be good mothers

We have been conditioned to believe we need to be “good girls” to be accepted and loved. And this plays out in motherhood as a belief that we need to be “good mothers” – perfect mothers even – and raise “good” children. We can become rigid in our parenting approach. We hold tightly to advice from books, parenting experts or well meaning friends, forcing our children into a life that suits us – but at what cost. We try so hard to “get it right” that we no longer recognise who it is we are when we become a mother. This can often lead us into a cycle of anger, rage, rigidity, guilt and shame.

Why surrender feels impossible

For those raised in an environment that centred around fear, punishment and abuse it can feel impossible to surrender. We might believe that letting go of rigidly raising our children is the most terrifying thing to do because we know no other way. Our own stories and those of society tell us that if we loosen the reigns at all, our children will grow up delinquent and disobedient. We fear our lives will spiral further out of control, so we hold on. Yet, if we ask ourselves if this way of controlling our children and ourselves is getting us to where we want to be, we might hear a different answer.

If we are trying to control ourselves, our emotions and our children, is this guiding them to who we want them to be? Our children learn best through healthy modelling by us, rather than us trying to control them.

Yes children and their challenging behaviours will trigger anger, pain and fear in us – and these triggers can bring up a desperate need for us to control them, force them to be different. Perhaps even have us yelling or using fear, threats and punishment in a desperate desire to bring back control. However these actions only serve to break our connection to our children and further intensify our own guilt and shame.

What might surrender look like?

I once had a 4 year old boy who wanted his mama to lay with him at night. He would cry, get out of bed, yell out for me.

The stories in my head sounded like: “I never get to rest!” “I never get a break!” “Why is it so hard for me with my kids?” I would fight and resist and try to control him. I chose fear, punishment and rejection. But none of these felt good in my body or aligned with my value on connection. One night, I found the space to surrender. I reminded myself of the joy and blessing that my child wanted me close. That this wasn’t forever. I took the opportunity to lie with my little boy and focus on the experience. To practice mindfulness – to soften. To allow myself rest. To use this time for connection and presence, both with him and myself.

5 years on, when I look back on these slow evenings lying with any of my 3 sons, they are some of my most precious memories of motherhood. Even after tough days, through challenging seasons, I let myself just be present. I will never regret these moments.

How to practice surrender

This looks different for every person and it’s no easy feat. To find surrender you need to peel back the layers of conditioning, beliefs and stories that keep you stuck in control and busyness. You will need a practice that helps you come back to what’s most important in this season of your life.

Some practices to get your started:

• Learn about your core values and align your life to those

• Soften your expectations – on yourself and your child

• Simplify life – less is more

• Allow yourself to rest and slow down

• Accept a little mess and chaos

• Listen to meditations on surrender (I recommend Sarah Blondin’s ‘ Learning to Surrender’ on Insight Timer app)

• Journal on “How could I practice surrender today?”

• Allow yourself to feel emotions as they arise – crying is healing, anger needs healthy (safe) release.

Here are some further suggestions for practicing surrender:

1. Cultivate self-awareness: Pay attention to your own emotions, triggers, and reactions when it comes to parenting. Notice moments when you feel resistance or a need for control. Understanding your own tendencies can help you consciously choose to surrender instead.

2. Embrace imperfection: Recognize that perfection is unattainable, and parenting will have its ups and downs. Embrace the imperfections and understand that mistakes and challenges are part of the learning process for both you and your child.

3. Focus on the present moment: Practice being fully present with your child. Instead of worrying about the future or dwelling on past mistakes, focus on the current moment and engage with your child in a meaningful way.

4. Let go of expectations: Release rigid expectations about how things should be and instead be open to the possibilities and unique qualities of your child. Allow them to express their individuality and make their own choices within appropriate boundaries.

5. Practice active listening: Truly listen to your child without immediately jumping in to solve their problems or control the outcome. Give them space to express themselves, and validate their feelings and experiences.

6. Foster independence: Encourage your child's autonomy and independence by allowing them age-appropriate responsibilities and decision-making opportunities. Trust their ability to learn and grow from their experiences.

7. Seek support and self-care: Recognize that parenting can be challenging, and it's essential to take care of yourself. Seek support from other parents, join parenting communities, or consider professional help if needed. Prioritize self-care activities that help you recharge and maintain your own well-being.

Remember, surrendering doesn't mean being passive or disengaged. It means finding a balance between providing guidance and support while allowing your child to develop their own strengths and capabilities. Each child and family is unique, so find an approach that aligns with your values and the specific needs of your family.

How could you practice surrender this week? What do you fear will happen if you let go of control?

Alita Blanchard – The Aware Mama is a mother of 4 young boys (including a stillborn son Remy) on the NSW Central Coast of Australia. She is a Conscious Parent Coach trained by Jai Institute of Parenting, Women’s Circle and Rites of Passage facilitator. She provides mothers circles, workshops, listening time and parenting support programs. Alita is passionate about creating a safe space for mothers to feel heard and seen in the intensity of their motherhood journey. She supports and guides mothers in their transformation through motherhood and helps to bring awareness to their own needs and emotions so they can feel more aligned, aware and connected to themselves and their children. www.theawaremama.com.au

Socials: @alitablanchard_parentcoach

Email alitablanchard@gmail.com

How to listen to your child’s feelings…and yours

'We are an anxious world and the primary reason is because we DON'T KNOW HOW TO FEEL OUR FEELINGS.' Dr Shefail Tsabary, Psychologist and author of ‘The Conscious Parent’.

It's no secret that parenting a child in the midst of a tantrum is hard. Children are emotional, and so too are adults. However, most of us have learned to stifle our emotions, especially the more challenging ones like anger, sadness, grief, rage, disappointment, (and so on), to keep the peace. Research suggests that suppressing our big emotions from an early age can cause a build up of stress in the body which can lead to anxiety, depression, aggressive behaviour, explosive anger, and chronic health issues. 

According to Aletha Solter, Ph.D., and author of the parenting book Tears and Tantrums: What to do When Babies and Children Cry  'Boys and girls must be allowed to cry and rage. Otherwise, they harbor unresolved anger, resentments, frustrations, and fears they may act out as violence towards themselves and others.' 

For previous generations, listening to children wasn't a common practice and the science of attachment and developing brains was not understood, so many of us were raised in families where our own feelings were deeply suppressed with punishments, threats, ignoring or distraction. We often don’t realise this until we have our own children and suddenly find listening to tears, sadness, frustration, conflict, tantrums and anger SO incredibly hard. 

Listening to our child’s big feelings can feel foreign, uncomfortable, and even excruciating at times. It takes practice to be comfortable sitting with our child’s feelings AND with our own. It takes a large amount of self-compassion and forgiveness in heated moments to remain regulated, and you won't always have the capacity to listen. We cannot be regulated, calm and present all the time. 

However, when parents learn to feel their own emotions, they can start to build the capacity to listen to their children. Learning to listen to feelings is the paradigm change in parenthood and society that we need for improved emotional well-being and mental health. It helps our children to feel safe, seen, soothed and secure - the critical components of building a secure attachment. Children who have secure attachments tend to be happier, kinder, more socially competent, and more trusting of others, and they have better relations with parents, siblings, and friends throughout life.

EXPERIENCING BIG FEELINGS

Children need their parents to listen to their big feelings—not shut them down, fix them or distract them away from their emotions. Typical suppression responses from parents to a child’s big feelings include:

• Punishments and threats - yelling, smacking, threatening to remove toys, time outs, locked doors, seclusion

• Not responding to them, so a child might self-soothe and take up thumb sucking or other control patterns to make themselves feel safe. 

• Using language like: 'Stop being a baby', 'Be tough','Don't cry' or 'You're okay.' 

• Offering food (even though they might not be truly hungry).

• Distracting a baby/child with books, food, play, songs.

NOTE - No shame here - we’ve all done some of these during times when we’re overwhelmed by their big feelings!. 

But there are ways that you can respond with more connection:

• Notice that your child is upset and look at it as an opportunity to connect.

• Just LISTEN. Without judgment or trying to fix the problem 'I am here with you. I am listening. Tell me more.' 

• Wonder what they might need at this moment? What might they be feeling?

• Validate their emotions. 'I understand that might make you feel sad’

• Allow yourself empathy. What are YOU feeling? Frustration, anger, guilt, worry, numbness?

• Be present with your mind and body. Notice your breath. 

• Set limits if required—loving yet firm 'I’m not willing to let you hit me’ 'I am listening, AND I won't let you break things.'

• Hold space for tears, tantrums, and rage—you don't need to fix. Again, just LISTEN. 

Building awareness
We don't always have time or capacity to listen to our own or our child’s feelings at the moment they occur. Life is busy. Perhaps you are not in a suitable environment to have a big release (school, work, transport, or a cafe), and in some cases relying on distraction and coping mechanisms is okay. But if we use these techniques all the time, we have work to do - self-reflection, healing, and education for us and our children's sake. 

When we build an awareness of our responses, triggers and ideas of the way children should be (through the lens of ‘good or bad’ behavior), we can respond more thoughtfully to our children's emotions, rather than with reactivity. Doing this means that we can guide our children to healthier emotional awareness and expression, which builds creativity, resiliency, and self-worth in the long term.

Ultimately, it is unlikely that we can fully listen to our child's feelings unless someone is listening to ours. As empowered and conscious parents, we must make space for this to happen. Some ways we can have our feelings heard are:

• Listening partnerships / listening time

• Women's or Parenting circles 

• Parent Coaching

• Therapy or Counselling

• Building supportive, safe friendships 

A path to healing
We all carry wounds and emotional pain - it is a part of life. Parenting with more awareness will likely begin a healing journey that can provide so many benefits to yourself and your family. 

Steps to healing might include:

• Crying  - get comfortable with your tears and know they are releasing pain and stress.  

• Journal your thoughts and emotions.

• Practice ‘feeling your feelings’ - slow down. Sit with them. Don’t think. Don’t tell stories. Don’t analyse. Just feel what you’re feeling IN your body. 

• Pay attention to your breathing - slow it down and focus on a long exhale a few times a day or when your nervous system needs a reset. 

• Practice a 'daily scream’—alone in your car. Connect with an intense feeling and scream it out. It will feel confronting, and you may go hoarse. Try it anyway. 

• Move.  Run, walk, yoga, dance, shake, jump on a trampoline. Even better if in nature. 

• Download a meditation app like Insight Timer and search ‘self-compassion’ and practice every day, even for just two minutes. 

• Practice self-compassion and talk to yourself as you would to a friend in need. This includes self empathy, self kindness and self forgiveness. 

• Learn about nervous system regulation tools that support you - we are all different and so are our children. Some ideas include: swaying, rocking, bare feet on the ground, EFT tapping, long exhales, cup of tea in two hands, hot drinks, cold drinks, crunching on ice (my 3 boys ALL now love this), noticing glimmers, nature time, a good cry, sunshine, listening partnerships, Voo breathing (#voobreathing), stretching, self hold practice, dancing, mantras like “I am safe in this moment” “We are allowed to make mistakes” “I am allowed to cry”, orienting to nature - look at the trees, sky, earth, leaves, birds, mindfulness practices.

And when you mess up, make mistakes and lose your temper (like we all do), practice grace and self forgiveness and then repair the rupture with your child. Not only are you bringing back connection to your child, you are also modeling healthy repair. 

For the parents who feel like they can't even find the time and space to heal—you are healing simply by sitting in awareness with your children. When you become aware of your patterns and start making small changes, this is healing. It doesn't have to be big and grand; take small steps every day. Speak lovingly to your child and let the little inner-child within you hear it too.

Be kind to yourself as you are learning, growing, and healing. Listening to big feelings is not easy, but it is so worth it. 

Alita is a mother of 4 young boys (including a stillborn son Remy) on the NSW Central Coast, Australia. She is a trauma informed Conscious Parent Coach, Women’s Circle and Rites of Passage facilitator. She provides regular mothers circles, workshops, listening time and parent coaching programs. Alita is passionate about creating a supportive space for mothers to feel heard and seen in the intensity of their motherhood journey. She supports and guides mothers in their transformation through motherhood and helps to bring awareness to their own needs and emotions so they can feel more aligned, aware and connected to themselves and their children.

www.theawaremama.com.au
Socials: @alitablanchard_parentcoach
Email alitablanchard@gmail.com 

Radical Self Care for Mothers

I know the idea of putting yourself first and making time to care for your needs brings up big feelings. You may read the term “self care” and scoff “yeah right…how can I possibly fit that in” or what I often hear is “it just feels like another thing to add to the list”. 

And yet I want to challenge you on these thought patterns and stories because the idea that self care isn’t important or that it’s only available to mothers who have help/support/money, leads to mothers who are chronically exhausted, depleted, short tempered and, often, mother burnout. 

Radical self care 
Radical self care is about taking responsibility of getting your own needs met FIRST before you attempt to take care of others (or at least at the same time). This gives you more capacity to meet the mammoth daily tasks – physically and emotionally – in motherhood, relationships and your community. 

Why we need self care Self care helps to:

• De-stress your body – lower your stress hormones

• Help ease anxiety

• Improve your concentration

• Build your self-awareness muscle

• Improve problem solving skills

• Strengthen your relationships

• Models self care to your children so they know how to do it for themselves – this alone should be reason enough to start now.

3. Have a self-compassion practice. We all make mistakes and do things we regret. Self compassion is a powerful antidote to guilt and shame. Acknowledge that you are suffering. Practice feeling it in your body. Put your hand on your heart, breathe and say “I am enough”. Repeat. And find a short Loving Kindness meditation (Insight Timer or YouTube). 

4. Honour your menstrual cycle – we have been conditioned through marketing to believe we should keep going even though we are on our monthly cycle/period. Women’s wellness wisdom knows that our monthly cycle is an opportunity to rest and go within. While we are not able to cancel everything, do give yourself permission to slow down and rest on the 2-3 heavy days of your bleed. Ask someone to take the kids after school. Practice asking for help. 

5. Find someone to speak your truth to: Practice being vulnerable. 

• I am a big advocate for psychologists/therapistswhen budget allows. Get a mental health plan from your doctor if you are feeling anxious, consistent rage or depressed. There is no shame in seeking mental wellness.

• Listening time – find a friend that is willing to hold space with no judgment, no advice and confidentiality.

• Women’s circles – a space to speak truth, be heard, be witnessed and to feel healing. (I hold Mama Circles on the Central Coast – search Alita Blanchard and you’ll find me).

6. Dance and play – as adults we can easily take life too seriously. And yet the greatest healing for both children and adults alike comes from play and joy and movement. 

Make a playlist on Spotify. Dance with your kids. Dance alone. Play silly games. Charades. Chase. Challenges. Rumbling. Competitions. If you have to, fake it till you make it. Many adults feel shame come up when they play. Many of us as children were told to “stop being silly”. And so we did. Shame built. Heal that wound. BE SILLY. 

7. Gratitude and affirmations – do it for yourself and model it to your children. I do this a few times a week in the car on the way to school. The boys sometimes ignore me but I know it’s accessing their subconscious. And after a tough morning, it can really bring me back to some calm.
“I am grateful for…..”

“I am – present/calm/unique/resilient/determined /loving /kind/brave….”

8. Find some time for creativity just for fun. Paint. Garden. Bake. Color. Draw. Sing. Write. Journal. Make mandalas in the sand. Try a local class, book it and actually go. 

9. Hot drink and hold it in two hands – make your favorite hot drink and sit outside in the sunshine or under a tree, no book, no phone, just soak in the present moment. 

10. And finally – give yourself grace. We all mess up. We all hit our edges and do or say something we regret with our child. Shame or blame perhaps. Yell and rage. Punish. Whatever is a part of your own childhood, will often come up in your own parenting when your cup has not been filled. Use these moments to:

• 1. Practice self forgiveness – you are human. We are messy. We all carry wounds.

• 2. Reconnect and repair – if you yelled, raged, shamed etc, take some time out to breathe and calm your nervous system. Then reconnect with your child. “I’m sorry. Please forgive me. I wasn’t caring for myself well and I lost my temper. Can we start again? I love you.”

• 3. Use this momentas a reminder to give yourself radical self care. What are your unmet needs? What do you need in this moment? How can you do that?

How to move through parental burnout

“Breathe. Your kids need you. Not perfect. But you. With your worries. And your laughs. And your fails. And your try agains. Your love. Your showing up. That’s what matters. Breathe, sweet mum.”  ~Rachel Martin, Finding Joy 

Feel like you are overwhelmingly exhausted? You are NOT alone.

Research by a UK children’s charity Action for Children has found more than 80% of parents are struggling with at least one symptom of burnout due to the COVID-19 pandemic. 

What is burnout?

'Burnout' is said to be caused by a prolonged response to chronic and overwhelming parental stress. The first stage is overwhelming exhaustion. Parents of younger children tend to feel more physically exhausted. Parents of pre-teens and teens may experience more emotional exhaustion because of conflicts with children.

Most common signs include:

• Disruption to sleep

• Feeling isolated - a sense of being alone even with others around

• Anxiety or Depression - symptoms might include low mood, feelings of hopelessness, low self-esteem, lack of energy and problems with sleep. Call your GP to discuss. 

• Short temper and snapping at your children and partner

• Low tolerance for irritations

• Brain fog - memory problems, lack of clarity

• Heightened sensitivity to your emotions and environment - bright lights, sounds, crowds

• Increased coping mechanisms - using food, drugs, or alcohol to cope. 

According to UK research, more women are likely to be struggling with signs of parental burnout due to the pandemic than men.

The impact of burnout

• Fear and worry about how to 'get everything done'

• Parents distance themselves from children to preserve energy.

• Loss of fulfillment in parenting.

• Increase in neglect and aggression towards children.

• Increased feelings of shame, distress and guilt.

• Repeating cycle of punishment, shame, exhaustion & sensitivity.

When you have reached this point, it’s time to strip back to basics. Let go of ideals. Find support systems. Nurture yourself in micro moments of self compassion. And yes this all takes work and being somewhat vulnerable. But it's KEY to moving through parental burnout. 

Support systems are key

You MUST have some type of support system in parenting to help you through difficult times. Push through your fear and reach out for support.

Support systems might look like:

• Therapists and counselling

• Building new friendships that feel safe

• Motherhood support groups

• Listening partnerships 

• Emotionally supportive coaches

• Parenting/ Mothers circles

Make small changes

• Delegate tasks in the home to partner and kids

• Have a family circle to discuss the key stress areas and  problem solve together

• Involve the kids in more daily chores and clean up - set expectations and start small. Expect some battles and upsets. 

• Cut back on activities and commitments 

• Major increase in time outdoors - walking, sitting, being 

Improve your parenting knowledge

If your parenting style is creating additional stress and you feel lost and alone:

• Listen to podcasts that feel supportive

• Parenting courses and workshops

• Listen to meditations  (I always recommend https://insighttimer.com/ meditations by Sarah Blondin, Tara Brach and Fleur Chambers)

Self compassion is a MUST in parenting

Many people carry the heavy weight of perfectionism. And where perfectionism exists, shame is always lurking. 

The antidote to shame is self compassion. Treating yourself like you would treat a good friend in need.   When those we love fall short, we often make allowances, show grace, and offer support.  As mothers, we don’t offer ourselves the same kindness.  We tend to magnify our shortcomings.  We beat ourselves up, set the expectations far too high, and get caught in the spiral of negative thinking. 

Self-compassion encompasses three components:

• Self-kindness eg. I am doing my best. There is no such thing as perfect. 

• Common humanity (knowing that you are not alone) eg. We all make mistakes. Everyone has tough days. 

• Mindfulness (being present in the moment without judgment). Eg. I am here right now. I am safe to be me. I am worthy of this time. 5 long exhales. 

Your needs matter

Finding a way to take care of yourself as a parent can be a challenge, but it is possible. You will need to push through feelings of guilt and “wrongness”. 

Know this - your needs matter just as much as your childrens. 

• Prioritise REST time - kids on a show, you put your feet up. Cosy blanket.  Hot drink. Notice the guilt and say to yourself “I am worthy of care and rest”

• Yoga nidra - even 5-10 minutes can help your body to find rest 

• Sitting outside for 10 minutes a day

• Saying “yes” to things that interest you

• Saying “no” when you really want to

• Eating nourishing food

• Listening to music that brings joy

• Going to bed early

• Stretching

• Watching comedy shows 

• Let go of high expectations imposed by others AND by yourself

• Regular nervous system care practices 

  • (Message Alita for EBOOK on nervous system care) 

Connection and community is vital 

Build relationships with people who are on a similar path. Yes it can feel awkward and vulnerable - do it anyway. 

• Say hello to that mum at the park/cafe/playgroup/online. Get to know each other. Swap recipes and maybe one day, swap childcare. 

• Go to a Mothers Circle and practice being vulnerable - sharing stories, crying and laughing, creates a lightness within you, knowing you are not alone and often, connection to other women in supportive spaces. 

• Nurture friendships - we all need at least 1-2 people to deeply lean on. If you don’t have the person yet, start visioning them. Who do you want in your life? 

• Start a new hobby eg. art class, yoga, dance, ceramics. 

• Get to know your neighbours

What are you needing most right now in parenting?

What’s one step you can take towards getting that need met?

SUPPORTING YOUR CHILDREN THROUGH TANTRUMS AND MELTDOWNS

One of the most difficult and challenging parts of early parenthood is when your sweet baby hits the toddler stage and starts to have some BIG feelings. These are commonly called ‘toddler tantrums’ and as they grow, those tantrums can become intense ‘meltdowns’.

As much as this stage can take many parents by surprise and trigger fear, pain and anger, your child is NOT ‘terrible’. They are not ‘bad’ or ‘naughty’. They are a young child with an underdeveloped brain that needs to be supported and listened to.

Tantrums and meltdowns are a communication

When a child is crying, having a tantrum or a meltdown it is likely related to:

• A feeling of disconnection

• Unmet needs

• Lacking information

• Painful feelings, stress or unprocessed trauma

When you can understand these emotional releases are simply a form of communication, you can start building tools to meet their needs, increase connection, acknowledge their feelings and help your child.

Learning to listen to their feelings

The most powerful tool is learning to stay present with your child while they release their emotions and simply listen. AND this can be the hardest thing to do for many parents because it is not part of our conditioning.
You were likely raised in an environment that never listened to your feelings – your tears, anger and upset – and so now as a parent your natural tendency may be to stop your child’s big emotions. This might look like punishment, time out, distraction with food or TV or walking away.

The problem with these tactics is that they can set up your child to have even bigger tantrums as their needs are not being met. Their painful feelings are being ignored and suppressed and will possibly come out in the form of even bigger meltdowns.

Time outs and other forms of punishment may work in the short term but long term can have considerable impacts on a child’s attachment, belief system and sense of acceptance and belonging.

Taking a holistic approach to supporting your child

If you are facing regular meltdowns and challenging behaviour in your home, there are some things you might want to consider from a holistic perspective.

1. Increasing nutrient dense food. More vegetables, fruit, good fats, proteins, fermented foods and limiting sugar.

2. Toxins in your home – cleaning products, shampoo, common household sprays, scented candles can have toxic impacts on our children’s brains. Follow @lowtoxlife for insights. It needs to be a small steps journey as this can feel overwhelming.

3. Try holistic care – find a kinesiologist, chiropractor, osteopath or occupational therapist who is supportive and knowledgeable in children’s development, brain science, vagus nerve and releasing suppressed emotions.

4. Less activities – children don’t need lots of structured adult led activities especially under the age of 7. They need more nature, more slow, more unstructured play, more presence of adults to listen and guide.

5. Special time – one on one time to connect and release big feelings through connected play

6. Rest – sleep is critical. If you are struggling, this is where I advocate for listening to big feelings and attachment play as a component of improving sleep. #cryinginarms

7. Listen to big feelings – this is the core of the work I am so passionate about. Guiding you, the parent, to understand why you get so triggered, why you resort to punishment, time outs, threats and reward systems, why you yell scream and rage. So that you can find more capacity to listen to your child’s big feelings.

8. Support systems – to be able to listen to our children’s feelings we MUST have someone to listen to ours. If you don’t have a partner or friend who can hold this sort of listening space for you (many people can’t), try therapy, counselling, listening partnerships, mothers circles, parent coaching, emotions coaching or listening time.

I can empathize with how difficult it is finding support for your child when you may yourself be struggling with exhaustion, sleep deprivation, lack of emotional support and financial resources. Just take that one next step forward.

What is your biggest struggle when it comes to big emotions like anger and rage in your home? Do you have a support system in place? If not, I suggest making a basic action plan based on the above and starting to find support people. We are not meant to raise children in isolation.

Alita Blanchard is a mother of 4 young boys (including a stillborn son Remy) on the NSW Central Coast. She is a Conscious Parent Coach, Emotional Release Coach, Women’s Circle and Rites of Passage facilitator. She provides regular mothers circles, workshops, events, listening time and parent coaching programs. Alita is passionate about creating a safe space for mothers to feel heard and seen in the intensity of their motherhood journey. She supports and guides mothers in their transformation through motherhood and helps to bring awareness to their own needs and emotions so they can feel more aligned, aware and connected to themselves and their children.

www.theawaremama.com.au Socials: @alitablanchard_parentcoach

ANGER & AGGRESSION IN CHILDREN

THEY ARE NOT ‘BAD’ OR ‘NAUGHTY’, THEY NEED YOUR HELP

When life gets tough with your children and they are expressing a lot of anger and acting aggressively, it can be incredibly triggering and challenging for parents to know what to do. 

This article will introduce some ideas on how to normalise anger and healthy aggression and to support your child through these challenging moments. Please know this is a nuanced topic and requires a deeper understanding of child development, brain and attachment and nervous system science that cannot be covered in a short article. Reach out to me directly for deeper support. 

When you child has angry and aggressive behaviour the focus needs to be:

• Regulating yourself first

• Keep bodies safe

• Slow everything down

• Be present and know this is your MOST important work

• Self compassion

• Nervous system care.

About Aggression

Most of us learned as children that standing up for our beliefs, saying No, and expressing our wants and needs were not welcome. We learnt to suppress our feelings. We learned that using our voice was dangerous and that anger and rage will be punished.

And so when we have children and they start displaying anger and aggression, it feels almost unbearable and we get stuck in a cycle of fear and judgement.  

For example

• We see our 2–year old bite their cousin and we think, “Oh my god, what is wrong with my child?”

• We are hit by our 5–year old having an enormous emotional storm, and we think “my child is violent and needs serious help”

• We are screamed at by our tween and think “I’ve raised a monster.”

These expressions of aggression are actually signs that our child needs us – with love, support and regulation. 

When your child is aggressive

Don’t do this: 

• Hit or bite back

• Yell and scream

• Spank or smack

• Start lecturing them

• Teach them what to do while they are upset – their brain is offline.

• Punish them or time out – it only creates disconnection, not learning

• Call them “bad” or “naughty” – this is shaming your child.

Do this: 

• Consider their age and stage of development

• Practice your own self regulation tools to calm your nervous system

• Set a limit “I’m not willing to let you hurt me/bite me /hit the baby/break the thing”

• Set a firm “No” if you must

• Use your body as a boundary – use your hands to block hits and bites and protect your child – while children are little you realistically need to stay close to toddlers, babies and even older children. Stop the hit. Block the hands. Gently hold their hands

• Expect anger, rage, tears or tantrum – a child that is acting out in this way likely has big painful feelings that need release. LISTEN

• Try not to personalise their behaviour – you are NOT a bad parent. You have a child with big feelings. This is OK

• Holding – if your child is raging and really trying to hurt you/others/property, you may need to gently hold them. This can feel deeply confronting for some mothers AND fathers

• Ask for help – husband, family, friend, babysitter, listening partner, parent coach

• Look for unmet needs – hungry, anxious, lonely, disconnected, tired, painful feelings

• After a good release and listening, your child may soften and need to feel safe and regulated again.

• Self compassion for yourself – this is not easy.

Ongoing aggression could be related to many things:

A backlog of painful feelings

If a child’s tears and anger and sadness have been suppressed since birth, they will likely have painful feelings that need release. 

Nervous system dysregulation

The fight/flight/fight/fawn response is how we protect ourselves from possible threats. A child needs an adult to help them regulate in these moments. 

Anxiety

This is common and a great resource is www.heysigmund.com and www.monadelahooke.com 

Lacking important minerals and nutrients

Many children are deficient in magnesium, iron, B vitamins, vitamin D and zinc. These can cause a myriad of issues. Seek out holistic support for more. 

When they are calm, teach and model healthy aggression practices

These can take a long time to truly integrate – trust that process: 

• Grab a wet towel and twist the water out

• Squishy balls and growl like a bear as your squeeze them

• Teach them to notice that when their body feels hot and angry, to hold themselves and squeeze their own body

• Running games, jumping jacks and strong beat music (when calm).

Full–throttle play and laughter medicine:

Engage in full body play! Mindful of your body’s range of motion and ability, engage in wrestling, tag, leapfrog, pillow fights, catching them in a blanket while they run around the house. This gets kids laughing uproariously, releasing pent–up energy.

A child being aggressive may increase when:

• There is stress in the home – divorce, anger in adults, grief

• Moving house / schools

• New sibling

• Changing caregivers.

Support yourself

We are not meant to parent in isolation. Get support for yourself first – as a conscious parenting coach, all of my work starts with the parent first. Supporting YOU, listening to YOUR feelings, helping you make sense of your reactions and beliefs. Helping YOU to build regulation tools. You cannot truly support your child unless you have capacity to listen to feelings.

Alita Blanchard, The Aware Mama. Based on the NSW Central Coast, Alita is a mother of 4 boys and is a Conscious Parent Coach, Rites of Passage, Holistic Counsellor and Women’s Circle facilitator. She provides emotional support, workshops and parent coaching programs.

Instagram: @alitablanchard_

SOFTEN YOUR EXPECTATIONS IN MOTHERHOOD

New motherhood comes with many expectations, often unspoken but deeply ingrained. Expectations that you must be a ‘good, happy, calm and present mother’. You will likely have high expectations of yourself, others around you, as well as societal, financial and career expectations.

You may naturally also wish to be ‘attached, gentle, peaceful’ in your parenting and many of these qualities
are possible (for some) in the baby stage. You may follow social media pages promoting these philosophies and aspire to ‘get it right’.

And yet somewhere along the way you will inevitably stumble.

I want you to know that that’s ok. You are likely doing your best with the tools and resources available to you. And you may also need to soften your expectations – both on yourself, your baby/children and others.

The realities of the newborn stage

Your baby will cry. And in that first year, this is their primary way of communicating to you that they have needs. Once those needs are met, and they are still needing to cry, it’s ok to surrender and hold them in your arms and let them cry.

This is actually very healing for babies with their own big feelings. Especially if you had a stressed pregnancy, difficult birth or have a highly sensitive baby, they will have a lot of feelings. Crying is healing when lovingly held and listened to.

However sometimes, if you are struggling with your own feelings and are stressed or dysregulated, you may find it hard to listen to their tears. This is very common. This is where I advocate for the importance of having someone to listen to YOUR feelings. We are not meant to do motherhood alone and it’s important to practice speaking your truth to people you feel safe with.

The realities of toddler life and beyond

Life can step up a level in intensity when your baby becomes a moving, walking, often frustrated toddler. Toddlers are meant to test boundaries and have big feelings (often called ‘tantrums’). And yet mothers often feel challenged when their child ‘isn’t listening’ or ‘keeps being naughty’ because their high expectations are not being met.

All of your child’s behaviours are likely normal. No child is ‘naughty’ or ‘misbehaved’. All behaviour is a subconscious form of communication. Their behaviour is showing you that they have needs, require support, or need to feel listened to. Again, you will need to notice your high expectations and find a way of surrendering to what is. Building your self compassion muscles. And finding additional support, information, listening time or a place to share truthfully with other parents so that you feel less alone in your experience.

You don’t have to ‘break all the cycles’

In the parenting space, there is a lot of focus on being ‘cycle breakers’ and ‘healing yourself’.

This is often related to an awareness that many parents carry childhood wounds and conditioning that doesn’t serve our children.

Modern mothers are being asked to build awareness, be respectful, gentle and connected unlike the previous generations before. On top of this, there is awareness that many people carry years of generational patterns and trauma.

These messages are important and valid and are part of the work parent coaches support their clients to process. However it can feel impossible to do this work in isolation, in one generation, as one person focused on healing all those patterns, wounds and trauma. So again, you must soften your expectations.

Generational patterns play a role in your parenting

The way you were raised will eventually start having an impact on your own parenting journey. These are your generational patterns.

We cannot expect to change our generational patterns overnight. You may have been raised in a family that:

• Didn’t listen to tears

• Yelled/screamed

• Smacked/spanked

• Neglected you

• Overworked

• Ignored

• Shamed and punished

• Threatened

• Had addictions.

Changing these patterns

When you notice that you start reverting to some of these old patterns, be gentle on yourself. Change takes time.

• Slow down

• Start with awareness

• Don’t expect big changes overnight

• It may take years to unpack and change your patterns…that’s ok

• Soften the shame

• Reflect on your strengths

• Build your self compassion muscles

• Practice self forgiveness

• Find supportive people to listen to YOUR feelings such as: Therapist/Counsellor, Parent Coach, safe friend, listening partner, mothers circle.

Supportive Mantras

Try these on for size in hard moments: I am always enough – Good enough is good enough – This is not an emergency – I always have enough time – I’m not meant to do it all – It’s ok to slow down and do less – I’m allowed to say no –
I am safe.

Soften your expectations

Say YES to build awareness, build tools, build support systems, be a change maker, less punishment, more connection, learn to rest, learn self compassion, build your self worth, YES YES YES!

Perfection – impossible, break every cycle – impossible, heal all the wounds – likely impossible, be connected in every moment – impossible, hold space for every feeling – no, attachment play everyday – unlikely, clean home, manicured garden, whole cooked food AND peaceful parent – unlikely!

Good enough is good enough.

Take that one next right step every day.

Alita Blanchard, The Aware Mama Based on the NSW Central Coast, Alita is a mother of 4 boys and is a Conscious Parent Coach, Rites of Passage and Women’s Circle facilitator. She provides regular mothers circles, workshops, events, listening time and parent coaching programs.
Instagram: @alitablanchard_parentcoach

HOW TO REPAIR AFTER A TOUGH DAY WITH YOUR KIDS

Like many parents, you may be coping with your own emotional pains, pandemic stress, anxiety, as well as a lack of support and village. You will inevitably crack some days and explode at your sweet child. Here is how to repair the disconnection on those tough days.

It would make absolute sense if you are at the end of your tether – impatient, overwhelmed, exhausted and, as such, your capacity to remain calm and connected is harder than ever.

The ongoing global pandemic is well and truly taking its toll. Many parents are in varying levels of stress and nervous systems are in an almost constant state of fight, flight or freeze.

All of this, on top of the everyday emotional experience of raising children, may have you in cycles of anger, sadness and disconnection. Every parent will “lose it” at their kids at some point – yell, scream, push, rage, ignore, threaten and punish.

What our children need

For children to thrive, they need to rest in the safety of a loving and connected relationship with their primary caregiver and feel the 4S’s of attachment – safe, seen, soothed and secure.

When you’ve had a tough day with your child, it can be easy to feel a lot of guilt and shame about how you have reacted to their often challenging behaviours.

The key to ensuring an ongoing secure and attuned connection on those tough days is to reconnect and repair the rupture.

This is so critical and it is what many parents missed out on as children. I have many mothers I work with that say “my parents never said sorry to me”. When you learn and practice this process of repair, you are not only modelling to your child how to do a true, healthy, connected apology (instead of some forced “say you’re sorry” that sadly is still expected of children), you are also healing parts of yourself that had never heard these repairs.

Ruptures are inevitable

A rupture is a break in connection with your child. Perhaps you yelled, screamed, ignored them, threatened them, said goodbye at daycare and left them crying, set a limit that upset them. This is life. It happens. You cannot meet your child’s every need, it is an impossibility.

A rupture without repair creates disconnection

If you don’t make a repair with your child, this creates a disconnection between you. Prolonged disconnection can lead to a low sense of self worth in the child, humiliation and shame.

A repair can be a simple practice

A repair is simply reconnecting with your child after an outburst, apologising, letting them know what was happening for you, what you should have done differently and letting them know you will try to do better next time.

You will need to calm and regulate yourself first

Lots of advice in the parenting space to find calm is simply “just take some deep breaths” but this doesn’t work for everyone, especially those with anxiety. Find what works for your nervous system as we all regulate our nervous systems differently. This alone can be quite a big journey of discovery.

• Shake your hands as if shaking off anger

• Breathe – focus on long slow exhales

• Walk outside – slow down, notice nature, listen for sounds

• Rub your finger along your lips

• Tapping on your collar bone saying

• “I am safe”

• Music – sing or angry dance

• Drink cold water or splash on face

• Cry in your room

• Scream into a pillow

• Call a listening partner / empathy buddy

What a repair might sound like:

• “I am sorry that I [yelled, screamed,

• hurt] you.

• I was feeling …[frustrated, tired,

• rejected, unheard etc].

• I should have….[taken space, gone outside, breathed, asked for some space].

• I apologise for my behaviour. Would you like to share your feelings?”

• Then just listen. Don’t justify or lecture. Just listen.

Why repairs can feel hard

• You may find it hard to process your anger

• You have deeper triggers and pain that need to be released

• You have shame and/or fear (about what you did or what people might think of you)

• No one said sorry to you as a child so you don’t think you should

Self compassion for when it’s all too hard.

This process can feel clunky and takes practice. Remember your humanity. Treat yourself as you would a good friend when it all gets hard. Self compassion is key, turn your kind words inwards to yourself.

And remember, no matter how tough the day got, or how bad the week seemingly was, YOU ARE ALWAYS ENOUGH.

Everything you are doing is enough.

Alita Blanchard helps mothers lessen the guilt and shame, release healthy anger, meet their own needs and build capacity for listening to their children’s feelings so they can feel more connected to themselves and their children. She creates a supportive space for mothers to feel heard and seen in the intensity of their motherhood journey.
Alita is a mother of 4 young boys (including a stillborn son Remy) on the NSW Central Coast. She is a trauma informed Conscious Parent Coach and Women’s Circle facilitator. She provides regular mothers circles, events, listening time and parent coaching programs – online and in person.